The Gear Box

 It just occurred to me the simple reality that everyone engages in activities they are best at and no one enjoys things they aren't good at. This truth, while not axiomatic, may very closely resemble the atmosphere of life and the classroom. 

I'm exhausted with myself. I'm tired of this feeling. I feel sorry for myself and ashamed. Ashamed that I would allow the thought a room in my mind. It festers like an parasite. It grows from a fleeting thought, to a tossed around plan, to reality. Each day it grows. The sweet relief of this body I hold close to myself. Like an addict who loves and hates his drug, I too find the selfish desire irresistibly horrid. It seems as if every word I say is meaningless. Without me, it seems as if life would continue, only I wouldn't hurt as much. I wouldn't have the hole in my chest.  God help me. Help get out of this hole I've dug myself into. This hole of self pity and self loathing. This selfish path of feeling sorry for myself. I am too weak. I cant continue. I need your help God. You have helped me out of so many hard times: Financial situations, lustful situations, relationships, thoughts, pride, trust, temptations, fear, and selfishness.  Help me.  I need help. Give m...

I read recently about a teacher who wrote very good advice about how to be a teacher, then became a good teacher and no longer writes good advice because everything is subconscious at that point in his career, that he doesn't understand how he, himself, actually teaches. This blog/journal will serve that purpose for me. As I learn ideas, tricks, and gain experience, I can write them down for my future self to look back on. I will certainly, and already have, forget many things that have been learned too well. I cannot teach a child to walk even though I do it every day. In the same way, I cannot teach the life lessons I have learned despite their importance due to committing them to my everyday life.  I pray everyday for Gods help. For His wisdom, peace, strength, patience, joy, clarity, and for trust. Everyday I find myself praying a little more. On the days I forget to, I can feel my heart filling up with fear and the clutches of evil biting my soul. I cannot continue with life w...

 I find myself once again facing down the lie that death will be a sweet release. Evil tries to convince me it is the only way out. but God tells me different. This trial i am in is only temporary. it isnt forever, one day, a brighter day will shine. His plan is good and He has me suffering for a reason. For that, i am grateful. Yet the pain is still there. The lump in the back of my throat grows larger, the feeling of loneliness spreads, the tears at the edge of my eyes loom. How many times, Lord, must I go through the same trials? How often must there feel like there is no way out? Why does life seem endlessly alone, with no one to care? My worth is always boiled down to what i contribute, to how i help others. I am a husk and nothing else. I feel i cannot cry out every day or my worth as a man will diminish. Who would want to love a wildly unstable person? certainly not I! grow up! find your inner strength and a will to continue! do not sit in a puddle of your own pity. I know t...

 Why do i feel this way. This pit. nothing is wrong, yet i feel empty. I feel like crying or being self destructive. I feel so empty inside. I just want to feel something. I flirt with thoughts of harm, teasing myself to feel anything at all. no. these will pass me by. these are only temporary. I will feel better when i eat something. i should go to the gym tomorrow and also walmart and restock all my food. I will need to make note to myself to go before i turn into a puddle of feeling sorry for myself. 

 this blog has no purpose beyond helping me with my thoughts and emotions. recently i have been struggling with dark thoughts. the idea that no one loves me and that i have nothing to live for. i often become incredibly agitated for no reason. i think it may be related to how hungry i am. but sometimes i become annoyed even while i am full. today, sister and girlfriend were hanging out with me while i played video games. i started losing in my game and sister kept distracting me. i became very frustrated with her. every word which she speaks angers me. i dont know why. the bible says i should be slow to anger. i must not dwell on these dark thoughts. i want to go to the gym, that makes me feel better. but is there a way to not hate without lifting weights? why do i become frustrated with incompetence? why do i feel this anger towards the meek. perhaps it is my own insecurity. ah yes. that must be it. if i lost in my game, i will thus feel insecure. i see now. i have lost several ga...