Midnight scare

I'm exhausted with myself. I'm tired of this feeling. I feel sorry for myself and ashamed. Ashamed that I would allow the thought a room in my mind. It festers like an parasite. It grows from a fleeting thought, to a tossed around plan, to reality. Each day it grows. The sweet relief of this body I hold close to myself. Like an addict who loves and hates his drug, I too find the selfish desire irresistibly horrid. It seems as if every word I say is meaningless. Without me, it seems as if life would continue, only I wouldn't hurt as much. I wouldn't have the hole in my chest. 

God help me. Help get out of this hole I've dug myself into. This hole of self pity and self loathing. This selfish path of feeling sorry for myself. I am too weak. I cant continue. I need your help God. You have helped me out of so many hard times: Financial situations, lustful situations, relationships, thoughts, pride, trust, temptations, fear, and selfishness. Help me. I need help. Give me wisdom. Remove this plague from my mind. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm tired of fighting the good fight. I've been alone my whole life and even now with a girlfriend I still feel alone. I knew she would never fill the hole in my heart, yet I still clung to the hope. I know everyone will still let me down. I've been through all this before. Every couple of months it seems. Round and round I go. My thoughts twisting and turning. My heart lies, my mind festers, my feelings are a mess. 

Today I woke up. I ate a bowl of chili, washed dishes, did put away the laundry and talked to my girlfriend until she went to work. The smile I wore was taken off and quickly discarded. The hole, already present, grows. I fill it with caffeine and a new PR at the gym. The high wears off a lot faster today. Time to talk to girlfriend for her break. I wear the smile again. Its old and doesn't fit well. I make chicken and eat noodles. The hole remains and grows. I pray. Lord help me love you and have eyes only for my girl. The way is lit and obvious. But I dwell on the poison of Satan. That I am unloved, not needed, and worthless. 

I'm tired. 

It is clear now, many times over, that God has been and always will be, carrying and supporting me through life. I am too weak to go on on my own. He will receive the glory and merit when I reach the end of my life after accomplishing great things. He is my strength, my shield, and my God. He is who gives me the power to achieve anything. He is my purpose, my first love, my hope, and my encouragement. Thank you God.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Failure

 this blog has no purpose beyond helping me with my thoughts and emotions. recently i have been struggling with dark thoughts. the idea that no one loves me and that i have nothing to live for. i often become incredibly agitated for no reason. i think it may be related to how hungry i am. but sometimes i become annoyed even while i am full. today, sister and girlfriend were hanging out with me while i played video games. i started losing in my game and sister kept distracting me. i became very frustrated with her. every word which she speaks angers me. i dont know why. the bible says i should be slow to anger. i must not dwell on these dark thoughts. i want to go to the gym, that makes me feel better. but is there a way to not hate without lifting weights? why do i become frustrated with incompetence? why do i feel this anger towards the meek. perhaps it is my own insecurity. ah yes. that must be it. if i lost in my game, i will thus feel insecure. i see now. i have lost several ga...
Read more

trials of the soul

 I find myself once again facing down the lie that death will be a sweet release. Evil tries to convince me it is the only way out. but God tells me different. This trial i am in is only temporary. it isnt forever, one day, a brighter day will shine. His plan is good and He has me suffering for a reason. For that, i am grateful. Yet the pain is still there. The lump in the back of my throat grows larger, the feeling of loneliness spreads, the tears at the edge of my eyes loom. How many times, Lord, must I go through the same trials? How often must there feel like there is no way out? Why does life seem endlessly alone, with no one to care? My worth is always boiled down to what i contribute, to how i help others. I am a husk and nothing else. I feel i cannot cry out every day or my worth as a man will diminish. Who would want to love a wildly unstable person? certainly not I! grow up! find your inner strength and a will to continue! do not sit in a puddle of your own pity. I know t...
Read more