trials of the soul

 I find myself once again facing down the lie that death will be a sweet release. Evil tries to convince me it is the only way out. but God tells me different. This trial i am in is only temporary. it isnt forever, one day, a brighter day will shine. His plan is good and He has me suffering for a reason. For that, i am grateful. Yet the pain is still there. The lump in the back of my throat grows larger, the feeling of loneliness spreads, the tears at the edge of my eyes loom. How many times, Lord, must I go through the same trials? How often must there feel like there is no way out? Why does life seem endlessly alone, with no one to care? My worth is always boiled down to what i contribute, to how i help others. I am a husk and nothing else. I feel i cannot cry out every day or my worth as a man will diminish. Who would want to love a wildly unstable person? certainly not I! grow up! find your inner strength and a will to continue! do not sit in a puddle of your own pity. I know this problem will not be resolved with food, nor pleasure, nor time. It is a condition of the soul, with lies that i believe of myself. The solution to my problems lies with God alone. For no one else will give me the love i so desperately need. Everyone will fail me. All love is conditional except Gods. Everyone will let me down, everyone will hurt me, not God. He is always there for me. He is who i draw my strength from. He is my coach, my crutch, my father, my friend. One day i will be reunited with Him. But not today. I have more work to do for Him here. But on that day that He calls me home, I hope He hugs me and says "I was there with you, and im proud of you. I saw you hurting and we all cheered when you chose to continue." and thats what im working towards. That is why i will continue. Because i want to make Him proud, because He saved me and calls me to continue.