The Gear Box

 Help me.    I'm struggling.           the continued degradation of my mind has reached a point. I dont know who i am anymore. 

 It just occurred to me the simple reality that everyone engages in activities they are best at and no one enjoys things they aren't good at. This truth, while not axiomatic, may very closely resemble the atmosphere of life and the classroom. 

I'm exhausted with myself. I'm tired of this feeling. I feel sorry for myself and ashamed. Ashamed that I would allow the thought a room in my mind. It festers like an parasite. It grows from a fleeting thought, to a tossed around plan, to reality. Each day it grows. The sweet relief of this body I hold close to myself. Like an addict who loves and hates his drug, I too find the selfish desire irresistibly horrid. It seems as if every word I say is meaningless. Without me, it seems as if life would continue, only I wouldn't hurt as much. I wouldn't have the hole in my chest.  God help me. Help get out of this hole I've dug myself into. This hole of self pity and self loathing. This selfish path of feeling sorry for myself. I am too weak. I cant continue. I need your help God. You have helped me out of so many hard times: Financial situations, lustful situations, relationships, thoughts, pride, trust, temptations, fear, and selfishness.  Help me.  I need help. Give m...

I read recently about a teacher who wrote very good advice about how to be a teacher, then became a good teacher and no longer writes good advice because everything is subconscious at that point in his career, that he doesn't understand how he, himself, actually teaches. This blog/journal will serve that purpose for me. As I learn ideas, tricks, and gain experience, I can write them down for my future self to look back on. I will certainly, and already have, forget many things that have been learned too well. I cannot teach a child to walk even though I do it every day. In the same way, I cannot teach the life lessons I have learned despite their importance due to committing them to my everyday life.  I pray everyday for Gods help. For His wisdom, peace, strength, patience, joy, clarity, and for trust. Everyday I find myself praying a little more. On the days I forget to, I can feel my heart filling up with fear and the clutches of evil biting my soul. I cannot continue with life w...