Middle of shift

 The magic of life is shattered when you understand it.

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Failure

 this blog has no purpose beyond helping me with my thoughts and emotions. recently i have been struggling with dark thoughts. the idea that no one loves me and that i have nothing to live for. i often become incredibly agitated for no reason. i think it may be related to how hungry i am. but sometimes i become annoyed even while i am full. today, sister and girlfriend were hanging out with me while i played video games. i started losing in my game and sister kept distracting me. i became very frustrated with her. every word which she speaks angers me. i dont know why. the bible says i should be slow to anger. i must not dwell on these dark thoughts. i want to go to the gym, that makes me feel better. but is there a way to not hate without lifting weights? why do i become frustrated with incompetence? why do i feel this anger towards the meek. perhaps it is my own insecurity. ah yes. that must be it. if i lost in my game, i will thus feel insecure. i see now. i have lost several ga...
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trials of the soul

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I'm exhausted with myself. I'm tired of this feeling. I feel sorry for myself and ashamed. Ashamed that I would allow the thought a room in my mind. It festers like an parasite. It grows from a fleeting thought, to a tossed around plan, to reality. Each day it grows. The sweet relief of this body I hold close to myself. Like an addict who loves and hates his drug, I too find the selfish desire irresistibly horrid. It seems as if every word I say is meaningless. Without me, it seems as if life would continue, only I wouldn't hurt as much. I wouldn't have the hole in my chest.  God help me. Help get out of this hole I've dug myself into. This hole of self pity and self loathing. This selfish path of feeling sorry for myself. I am too weak. I cant continue. I need your help God. You have helped me out of so many hard times: Financial situations, lustful situations, relationships, thoughts, pride, trust, temptations, fear, and selfishness.  Help me.  I need help. Give m...
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