Failure

 this blog has no purpose beyond helping me with my thoughts and emotions. recently i have been struggling with dark thoughts. the idea that no one loves me and that i have nothing to live for. i often become incredibly agitated for no reason. i think it may be related to how hungry i am. but sometimes i become annoyed even while i am full. today, sister and girlfriend were hanging out with me while i played video games. i started losing in my game and sister kept distracting me. i became very frustrated with her. every word which she speaks angers me. i dont know why. the bible says i should be slow to anger. i must not dwell on these dark thoughts. i want to go to the gym, that makes me feel better. but is there a way to not hate without lifting weights?

why do i become frustrated with incompetence? why do i feel this anger towards the meek. perhaps it is my own insecurity. ah yes. that must be it. if i lost in my game, i will thus feel insecure. i see now. i have lost several games in a row and feel useless. i perhaps want to control those around me to feel secure again. i have lost control of the game. i wanted something and didnt get it. i was humbled. my pride was stripped from me and replaced with shame. it is nice to have control. and when i dont have it in my game, i try to control other areas of my life, like my sister or girl. for this i am sad. it saddens me that my first response to failure is punishing the innocent.